?

Log in

Wed, Aug. 23rd, 2006, 02:21 pm
Breath of fresh air :o)

Sooo....as most of you know i was reaccepted to UCF!!! I pretty much knew I would be but it being definite and real now makes me so happy. It feels like only a few days ago I was sitting in the dark corner of the parking lot with my phone in my hand ready to tell my parents I was kicked out of school. It was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. Dissapointment is not something that comes easy for me. So i had interviews, meetings, statements to write, explanations to tell...and now I am finally back in. I am only allowed to take 2 classes this semester bc I am still on probation. I also have to take two academic success skill workshops by October as part of our agreement. Monday I had my first class...sitting in that room...it felt amazing. It may sound corny, but really...it was. I am taking Childhood Psychopathology and Service Learning (an internship). Bet your ass i'm getting two A's this semester!! :o)

My sister is coming to visit on Friday. She will be staying at my apartment Friday night and then we are going to a party Saturday night (at her friend Portia's new house) and she will be staying with her that night. My parents are also coming to visit just during the day on Saturday. It will be good to see every one. I'm excited :o)

My roommates are amazing and I am so glad I am living with them this year. Their names are Ashley and Natalie. They are the most considerate people and are very easy to talk to. Natalie and I are taking about taking Kickboxing classes at the UCF gym together. I've been wanting to do kickboxing for a while now, just needed someone to go with me lol. I think it will be a good way to release some stress and whatever else i have built up inside of me. I need someone to start going to the gym with me on a regular basis...atleast in the beginning. Bc i know i wont go by myself lol. I am weird like that. This month I have been broke so I have been eating nothing but crap bc it is cheap and I think i have probably gained a couple pounds. I need to start working out bc i wanna lose about 15 pounds and also bc i need to get my blood pressure down to a normal level.

Oh, and just a friendly reminder...we need to start planning Halloween Horror Nights now that every one knows what their school schedules are! YAY this will be our third year in a row going. We always have a lot of fun...even if the first year was ALMOST ruined by so much drama lol. But hey, atleast now we have great stories to tell! :o) Miss you all from Springs! Talk to you soon!

Well, i have to go catch the shuttle now. Have a good day everyone!

<3 Krizten

Sat, Aug. 19th, 2006, 02:33 am

Left on an eastbound train, gone first thing this morning
Why's what's best for you, always the worst thing for me

When am I gonna learn? Why? Cause I'm tired of hating
When will it be your turn? Why? Cause I'm tired of waiting

No I don't, no I don't, no I don't
Well no I don't find faith in your forced feelings
Not fooled by your misleadings
Won't buy this line your selling
Tired of this lie your telling
I won't, I don't, no I won't do this anymore
I won't, I don't, no I won't do this anymore

She says I'm only tellin' half of it
That's probably coz there's only half worth tellin'
And every time I try to laugh it off
That's when you turn around and wind up yellin'

When am I gonna learn? Why? Cause I'm tired of hating
When will it be your turn? Why? Cause I'm tired of waiting

No I don't, no I don't, no I don't
No I don't find faith in your forced feelings
Not fooled by your misleadings
Won't buy this line your selling
Tired of this lie your telling
I won't, I don't no I won't do this anymore
I won't, I don't no I won't do this anymore

She says I'm only tellin' half of it
That's probably coz there's only half worth tellin'
And every time I try to laugh it off
That's when you turn around and wind up yellin'

When am I gonna learn? Why? Cause I'm tired of hating
When will it be your turn? Why? Cause I'm tired of waiting

No I don't, no I don't, no I don't
No I don't find faith in your forced feelings
Not fooled by your misleadings
Won't buy this line your selling
Tired of this lie your telling
I won't, I don't no I won't do this anymore
I won't, I don't no I won't do this anymore

Sat, Aug. 19th, 2006, 02:14 am

As i sit in my room
Not knowing what to do
As tears fall from my eyes
I lookin the mirror and wonder why
Is it true?

Why do you do what you do
It hurts down deep
Why would you wanna make me weep
Doing what you did was wrong
I thought that our love was strong
Why lie?
How does it make you feel inside
Why keep it on
What we had is gone
I am through, but i am soo in love with you
Am i wrong?
I just wish that this feeling would be gone
What we had is over... its through
I want nothing more but to forgive you.

Thu, Aug. 17th, 2006, 07:44 pm

The song makes me sick.

Tue, Aug. 15th, 2006, 07:29 am
Jerry Springer shit!!!

I feel like I was on the goddamn Jerry Springer Show tonight!!!! And i've never been put in such an akward situation. So Jaime has liked the manager at RJ Gator's (Chris) for like 2 months now or so. We go there all the time and she gets so happy when she sees him. Tonight was the first night they were going to go and hang out when he is not at work. They went to one of his friends house. I was actually kind of worried bc...i dunno...I am really protective of her. So they called me on their way to his friends house and they wanted me to come by. I fought it for a while bc i was really tired but then i was like fine whatever ill come by for like an hour. YEAH RIGHT...HOUR MY ASS!! I'm not going tell the whole story play by play bc well, that would take FOREVER!!! Basically to make a long story short...this whole time that Jaime has liked him, he has liked me. He and I have really barely even talked! At Rj's he is pretty much always inside, doesn't come out to talk that much, and when he does it was just usually he and jaime talking. So tonight he feels the need to tell me how much he likes me and all that. I told him there are 3 factors to this...1) I don't like u like that, 2) Jaime is one of my best friends and i would NEVER do that to her, and 3) I am still in love with someone else. So based on those three things, this would never happen. He proceeded to try and put words in my mouth and make it seem like I liked him and the reason why i wasn't pursuing him was soley bc jaime is my friend. He kept asking me why i put her in front of what i wanted (him). He just couldn't seem to grasp the concept that i don't feel the same way about him. He said that he's much older than me (he's 30) and knows when someone is lying and blah blah blah...i told him i was being 100% honest with him. I DON'T like u...what's so hard to understand? Thank GOD there was nothing at that house that i like to drink bc if i had any alcohol in me the situation would have been worse and i would have gotten MUCH angrier and bitchier than i did. I apologized to him bc i was being a bitch but he kept insisting that we talk about it. I told him we have nothing left to say to each other. But Jaime was drunk...and she was really really upset bc i told her about everything...she needed to know. I hid her keys earlier so she wouldnt drive home, thank god bc she tried a million times. But finally, after hours of all this drama, we were about to leave and she kept trying to her her keys and she starts saying how she is really upset and no one cares...and that just sent me over the edge...i lost it. I grabber her so damn hard and threw her up against her car and was screaming at the top of my lungs at her. There was no way i was letting her get in her car and drive, no matter how mad she would get at me. The whole night had been about me caring about her...but she couldn't see it at the time. So, i left and Chris took her keys and shes staying there tonight. Chris kept begging me to stay but there was no way i was putting myself in that situation. He would have been bothering me all damn night. So, i'm home and Jaime and i talked and we are okay. I'm glad she realizes now that i was just being there for her like a good friend should and i would never do anything to hurt her. So yeah, this night has been interesting...and akward!!!

Wed, Aug. 9th, 2006, 11:13 pm
He was my cocaine.

Chris was my cocaine. I craved it and when I was without it, i had withdrawl symtoms. But like any drug, after a while the user realizes (if their lucky) that the substance is causing them severe harm, physically and emotionally. I realized my addiction today and need to break a very bad habit. I had so much time at work today to think about the situation. I was bored...so I made a list.

* I need someone who will be there for me even when things go bad.
* I need someone who is interested in my life.
* Someone who will not look down on me.
* Someone who isn't afraid to let others know we are together.
* Someone who is willing to open up more than once every couple of months or when they know they did something wrong.
* Someone who looks forward to seeing me.
* Someone who would never intentionally hurt me.
* Someone who would never want to cheat on me or lie to me.
* Someone who has time for me and makes me a priority.

These are some of the things I need in someone who I am dating. And I didn't have any of those things for a while. I had someone who would lie to me every chance they got. Someone who took me for granted. I love him to death but it's killing me. Loving him is killing me. Love should make you feel alive, it shouldn't kill you from the inside out. I really wish things could have worked out. I gave it so many chances. But I really thought it was worth it. I always hoped things would change and get better...but they never did...they only got worse and worse and I found myself in more and more pain. I need to be healthy and strong...but he has made me weak and has emotionally destroyed me...and I resent it. However, I am partially to blame for allowing it. He knew he could treat me in these ways and I would always take him back. That's why he assumed that he could treat me however he wanted and i would be around forever. But he doesn't want this.

Wed, Aug. 9th, 2006, 12:25 am
Break Myself

I'm on fire
And the day is feeling hopeless
You'd see me burning but the burning's turning smokeless
Soon I won't feel at all
No

It's electric the neon hurt inside your phone call
The layered sadness and the madness it revolves
Bringing down the walls where you found her
No

Well, I'm willing to break myself
To shake this hell from everything I touch
I'm willing to bleed for days my... reds and grays
So you don't hurt so much

And now I'm static
As your sky is turning purple and gray
I'm learning that the further that I crawl
The farther that I fall, is that ok?
No

And you're in pieces
As your world becomes a rainstorm
You've got no shelter I'm a thousand miles away
If you survive the day

You say your leaving
You say your leaving

Well, I'm willing to break myself
To shake this hell from everything I touch
I'm willing to bleed for days my... reds and grays
So you don't hurt so much

So you don't hurt so much

Never again will we fire this gun
No never again your the only one
No never again but you're already gone.

Wed, Aug. 9th, 2006, 12:09 am
Doubtful

"Doubt Full"

This letter explains everything
The content it is the truth
Each word could cut like daggers
If I decide to finally give it to you

I've rewrote and rechecked a thousand times
Licked it shut and said my goodbyes
The lines are perfectly written to break
Wide open this conclusion

And it feels like I've already been there
Sounds like I'm preaching the choir
If it looks like it won't work out
I'm the one, one full of doubt

I know that time wont change a thing
If we're all moving in slow motion
It's hard to catch up
When the world is weighing you down

And it feels like I've already been there
Sounds like I'm preaching the choir
If it looks like it won't work out
I'm the one

It feels like I've already been there
Sounds like I'm preaching the choir
If it looks like it won't work out
I'm the one, one full of doubt

I'm confused
Don't know what I should do now
You, you could lose everything close to you
Tell me how does this feel

When it feels like i've already been there
Sounds like I'm preaching the choir
If it looks like it won't work out
I'm the one... yea

It feels like I've already been there
Sounds like I'm preaching the choir
If it looks like it won't work out
I'm the one, the one full of doubt

Tue, Aug. 8th, 2006, 11:05 pm
If only love could conquer all

They say that love conquers all? I beg to differ. Love does not erase pain, it doesn't wipe away the hurt, it doesn't re-establish trust. I wish that in a blink of an eye everything could go back to the way things once were...long long ago, or so it seems. I am still so much in love with him, but I am holding on to those memories, the good ones, the good times where it seemed like we were the only two people on earth, so different, but perfect for each other. I loved the little things he did especially when he was staying with me for about 3 months. I loved falling asleep with him holding me each night and waking up to him next to me each morning. But those days are sadly long gone. Now I find myself wondering when I will see him next or even get a phone call or text message from him. I'm not going to lie, I was okay for a while, I stopped letting things get to me so much. Every time I would feel angry or sad, I would just let it slip away from me and think of something else. But now it's harder for me to just push it aside. It's an issue that I deal with every day. I don't think that he understands how deep the scar is that he left on my heart. Sure, there are worse things that could have happened, but when you have someone who you love so much, and u believe loves u the same, take away every ounce of trust that u once had in them, and much of the certainty that you had in the relationship, it takes a toll on you. Even if he does tell me the truth now, I question everything. Because once you are lied to in such severity, you have to put a wall up to protect yourself. That wall is only half up and I am still so vulnerable to getting hurt. The person who I have become over the past year is not someone I am proud of. And as much as it KILLS me to say it, I have dissapointed myself. I hate that word more than anything- dissapointment. I've heard it all my life...and now I have become what I hate. I was once a strong person. If anyone treated me with disrespect or made me feel inferior in any way, i would not hesitate to stand up for myself and say exactly what was on my mind. I wouldn't take it, I wouldn't be a door mat, and I wouldn't stand to be taken for granted. But now I feel like all I am is an inconvenience to him. Like he only wants to talk to me or see me when it is convenient for him. And I feel like when he does see me there is no excitement on his part to see me, as if he didn't miss me at all even though he claims he did. I don't know...I don't think I am looking too far into this. I have a legitimate reason to feel the way I do. I feel like my thoughts...my feelings, don't matter to him. And what has really been upsetting me lately is that he didn't even bother to ask me how my interview at school went. He knew how important it was to me and how nervous I was about it. But he didn't even ask. I had people calling me all day to ask me how it went...but one of the ppl I hoped would ask the most, didn't. I feel like I am running on fumes, putting everything I can into this relationship, trying to make things work, trying to get things back to the way they once were, bc I feel he is worth it...but i don't feel like it is being reciprocated. Whenever we get into a big fight and everything blows up, he tells me how much he loves me and that he wants to work on things and he wants to be with me, but it just doesn't feel like much effort is being put out there. He works nights, sleeps during the day, and that is fine, but there is plenty of time that could be set aside for spending time together, or a phone call to see how my day went or say goodnight. The past few days I have felt like he has been avoiding me. Not a great feeling...so after a while i pretty much stopped texting him and havent called him. Not when it's a big suprise if i get a text back or don't get a phone call returned. I wish I could snap my fingers and all the pain would disapear...if only it were that easy.

Mon, Aug. 7th, 2006, 10:06 am

Why do we make ourselves priorities to people when to them, we are only an option?

skipped back 10